When you fall, I'll always be there for you. Sincerely, The Floor.

Two Flies Are Sitting On a Piece of Shit. The first fly farts. The other gives him a disgusted look and says, "Come on man! I'm eating here!"

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How many letters are in the alphabet during the Christmas Season? Only 25...because there's Noel.

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Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it.

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My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!

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I was trying to form a club for eunuchs at my high school... But there weren't enough members.

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Have you heard the joke about the corrupt government? [Content Removed]

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What does a bee say before it stings you? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!

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Why do divers fall backwards from boats? Because if they fell forward they'd still be in it!

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What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

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I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.

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Why isn't there gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs.

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What do your call a fish who starts a drug empire? A scarfish

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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.

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There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.

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I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth.

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My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"

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What do you take before every meal? A seat.

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I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

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Have you guys seen the movie called "Constipation"? No? That's cuz it hasn't come out yet...

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What does the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?

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What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet? Urine trouble.

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What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

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Why do cow wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

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I've found the perfect weight-loss system for Americans. Convert to the metric system and lose half your weight in just seconds.

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When someone tells you to expect the unexpected, slap them and ask if they expected it!

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Doctor doctor people keep telling me I'm ugly! Lay on the couch face down.

Why don't women fart? They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

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Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!

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What do a blonde and a car have in common? They can both drive you crazy.

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