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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
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What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.
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What's the difference between a sumo and a feminist? A sumo shaves their legs.
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Why are there so many female archeologists? Because women love digging up the past.
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Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.
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Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move... a roundhouse kick to the face.
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What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back? "Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"
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Teacher: Class we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
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My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, "Do you think you'll be next?" We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.
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Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from an egg plant. Im going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.
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Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.
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Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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Why is George Bush in bed every night by 9:10? Because nothing good happens after 9:11.
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Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for the rest of his life.
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Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to say something.
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Two Flies Are Sitting On a Piece of Shit. The first fly farts. The other gives him a disgusted look and says, "Come on man! I'm eating here!"
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If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have? Someone else's pants on.
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They say that money can't buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing...
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