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What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I smell carrots too.
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What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird ? A feather boa!
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Two Flies Are Sitting On a Piece of Shit. The first fly farts. The other gives him a disgusted look and says, "Come on man! I'm eating here!"
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
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Somebody asks: "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.
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Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?
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Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. She is not coming back.
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German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: Name? Hans. Surname? Schmidt. Occupation? No, just traveling.
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What's the difference between a sumo and a feminist? A sumo shaves their legs.
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Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to say something.
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What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.
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Why did the creepy hipster get arrested? Because he was following people before Instagram.
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What does a bee say before it stings you? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!
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What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
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How come anteaters never get sick? Because they're full of antibodies!
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Why don't women fart? They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
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It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside...
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Why do hurricanes travel so fast? Because if they travelled slowly we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.
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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is life on Mars after all.
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What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet? Urine trouble.
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