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What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I smell carrots too.
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When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster... Poor little guy drowned in seconds..
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Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years: "What did you do before you were married sir?" With teary eyes he replied: "Whatever the hell i wanted to do."
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There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
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RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom.
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If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.
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Somebody asks: "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.
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I was trying to form a club for eunuchs at my high school... But there weren't enough members.
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Why are old balloons cheaper than new balloons? Because of inflation
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What's the difference between talking to your wife after you forgot something and a minefield? You can actually get through the minefield alive.
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Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.
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Why are Americans so good at shooting? They have the best schools for it.
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Why are there so many female archeologists? Because women love digging up the past.
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"Doctor. Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm." "How boring for you!"
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Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!
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What's the difference between life and wife's rant? Life eventually ends.
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I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night. Three in the morning, can you believe it? He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.
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I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?
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How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb? There can be only one.
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