Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk and I swatted one how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one!

What did the 0 say to the 8? Hey, nice belt..

What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.

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Where did I get my scarf? It's a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

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Why did they make the toilet paper so hard in North Korea? Because the Party wants to make every asshole Red.

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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

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Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!

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What happened to your three week diet? I finished it in three days!

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A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

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Why did the blonde stare at her orange juice for so long? Because it said, Concentrate.

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What do a blonde and a car have in common? They can both drive you crazy.

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Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.

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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

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What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it!

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Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?

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Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

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If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.

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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

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Q2: What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles

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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is life on Mars after all.

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Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing

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If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now? A math problem

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How many letters are in the alphabet during the Christmas Season? Only 25...because there's Noel.

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How to eliminate world hunger and unemployment at once? Let the hungry eat the unemployed.

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Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish!

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What kind of car does a ghost drive? A boogati!

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Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!

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The cemetery down the street seems like it's a pretty exclusive club. People are dying to get in...

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Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

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