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Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door
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Two satellites decide to get married. The wedding wasn't "all that," but the reception was great!
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Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk and I swatted one how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one!
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A good book is like a good puppy. Both are easy to pick up but hard to put down.
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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
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I was trying to form a club for eunuchs at my high school... But there weren't enough members.
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Why couldn't the restaurant patron get into his car? He had Gnocchi.
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Why are old balloons cheaper than new balloons? Because of inflation
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Why are there so many female archeologists? Because women love digging up the past.
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Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.
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Max wondered why the ball was slowly growing larger... and then it hit him.
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What is green, red and goes 90 miles per hour? A frog in a blender.
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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."
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Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.
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Finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures. It's my face.
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Ran my first 10k this morning. I'm kidding, I'm on my second Milky Way.
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I wanted to turn my life around so I tried to stop memeing all the time... ...It made my life memeingless
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