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What do you call someone who strictly prefers white rice over brown rice? A goddamn riceist
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Getting injected with tetanus.
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How did the hipster burn his tongue ? cos he drank he coffee before it was cool...
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You know why they don't have CSI in Arkansas? They don't have enough teeth for dental records, and they all have the same DNA.
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Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile.. Because you are a joke.
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If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.
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What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? A: You get light music.
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I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.
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Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.
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Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well yes he borrowed my pen!
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Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.
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What do an elephant and an apricot have in common? They're both grey - well except for the apricot.
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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.
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Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years: "What did you do before you were married sir?" With teary eyes he replied: "Whatever the hell i wanted to do."
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"Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?" "The ATM machine"
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My longest relationship was when an Uber driver took me all the way to the airport once.
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I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left..
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I lost 40 Pounds in 4 months! I didn't realize the British stock market was so volatile.
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Animal testing is pointless. We already know they're animals.
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At the liquor store: "Hey, do you need help?" "Yes, but I come here instead."
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"Doctor. Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm." "How boring for you!"
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