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When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you... Why should only I suffer!
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My longest relationship was when an Uber driver took me all the way to the airport once.
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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
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If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.
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I told my friend to not worry about being hungry at the beach. Because of all the sand which is there.
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Two Flies Are Sitting On a Piece of Shit. The first fly farts. The other gives him a disgusted look and says, "Come on man! I'm eating here!"
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What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son? If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy!
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Dad: what did you learn at school today, son? Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.
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Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.
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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
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If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.
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My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"
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Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation? At the Howliday Inn!
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Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
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Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile.. Because you are a joke.
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What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
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My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.
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Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.
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Tall people don't need to be inspirational Everyone already looks up to them.
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