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If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
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How do you know a introvert likes you... He stares at your shoes instead of his.
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Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes".
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My mother always told me: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.
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A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
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What's the secret to a long life? Never order vegetarian in Texas...
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What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
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The ATM told me, "Not enough funds in account," when I tried to withdraw. This ATM needs a bigger account.
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What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer.
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Why is George Bush in bed every night by 9:10? Because nothing good happens after 9:11.
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I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?
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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
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It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse "Right of Way" with "Immortality."
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I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth.
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Why are there so many female archeologists? Because women love digging up the past.
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It's so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
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Life is like a box of chocolates... the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts!
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You know what I hate about fashion designers? They are so clothes-minded.
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Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door
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What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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What is green, red and goes 90 miles per hour? A frog in a blender.
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Customer: "Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!" Waiter: "Don't worry Sir it's not that hot!"
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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? Today sure was ruff
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