I wondered why the train was getting bigger... then it hit me




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How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Define "light bulb".

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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

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I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?

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Somebody asks: "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.

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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.

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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!

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Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."

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What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears? Britney asked to be hit one more time..

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I hate people that drink in order to have fun. Why can't they say it's great just to drink, whether you have fun or not?

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What do you call a smarty pants? A jeanius

Q2: What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles

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Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop... The first one says to the other: Don't go that way, there's a cactusssssss

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My phone got arrested today... It was charged with battery.

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I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast.

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Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates

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I am so lonely. The only ex I have is in my chromosome XY...

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Why does a dog wag it's tail? A: No one else will do it for them

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Do you know what my grandmother would be doing today if she was alive? Scratching at her coffin.

I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

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Last night I walked into a bar - it still hurts...

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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

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Where do sick boats go? to the dock!

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Who is there? Police! What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other!

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What's next to England? A question mark.

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I once fell in love with an English Teacher.... ...I wrote her a love letter and she corrected it.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? The get to the other side.

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What's a cat's favorite color? Purrple.

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I'm dating an x-ray technician... But I don't know what she sees in me.

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What do you call it when a bunch of druggies talk to each other? Joint-Discussion.

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