A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"




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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it's because no one else wanted them.

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What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow ? Reality.

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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

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Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."

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Where did I get my scarf? It's a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

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What do you call a swiss priest? A Holy Cheese!

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Some people prefer to put the thermometer in their mouth, while others prefer it in their rectum. It's a matter of taste!

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My favorite Yoga pose is the upward facing couch potato.

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What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees...

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Sometimes I feel like a doctor stuck studying X-rays to gauge the health impacts of excessive sausage eating. I tend to see the wurst in people.

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When someone asks me if I'm busy, it always sounds like a trick question.

Her: I do. And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

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My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!

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Always Pay Attention! After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left. Then the Nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear: "Who was that?"

What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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If you could choose between world peace and $100,000,000, what color would you choose for your Ferrari?

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What many don't know, "Riverdance" was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.

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Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing

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My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit... He said "Like a cheap castle." Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."

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Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!

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Pupil: The art teacher doesn't like what I'm making! Dad: What is it what are you making? Pupil: Mistakes!

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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.

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Why do lobsters make bad lovers? They're shellfish in bed.

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Wanna hear a dirty joke? John got dirty. Wanna hear a clean joke? John took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a naughty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.

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What should you never do in front of an alcoholic? Whine.

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I think it's pretty cool Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.

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How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another!

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Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.

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Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? Today sure was ruff

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