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How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male if she answers it's female.
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Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is life on Mars after all.
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Set a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.
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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."
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Waitress: "Do u have any questions about the menu?" Me: "What kind of font is this?"
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There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same.
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Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!
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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.
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How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.
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So there was a stork carrying an old man and the old man turns to it and says: "Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"
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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.
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So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...
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Sometimes I feel like a doctor stuck studying X-rays to gauge the health impacts of excessive sausage eating. I tend to see the wurst in people.
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If two lawyers were drowning and you could only save one of them would you read the paper or go to lunch?
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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? Today sure was ruff
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Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stomp out burning ducks.
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Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
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There's one thing I've learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. I'm rather good at golf.
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What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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