How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male if she answers it's female.

I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.

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If you could choose between world peace and $100,000,000, what color would you choose for your Ferrari?

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Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

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My old best friend ran off years ago to pursue his dream of becoming a mime... I haven't heard from him since.

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I am writing a book about the history of camping. It's all in past tents.

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My friend David lost his ID the other day. Now we just call him Dav.

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I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt!

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Where did I get my scarf? It's a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

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What's invisible and smells like bananas? Monkey farts

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Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years: "What did you do before you were married sir?" With teary eyes he replied: "Whatever the hell i wanted to do."

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Customer: "Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!" Waiter: "Don't worry Sir it's not that hot!"

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What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing boeing boeing

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Why can't the T-rex clap its hands? Because it's dead.

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Who's this Rorschach dude? And why is he so good at drawing pictures of my mom beating me

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What do you call your mum who is shorter than you? A minimum.

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Last night I walked into a bar - it still hurts...

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On the bright side selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

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If money doesn't buy happiness.. then explain why you have to pay for a divorce.

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If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now? A math problem

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What do you call a dog that is also a magician? A Labracadabrador.

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What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!

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I told my friend to not worry about being hungry at the beach. Because of all the sand which is there.

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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

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I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.

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Why do cow wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

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Why do businessmen carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas can't walk.

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I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.

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What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99

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