How do you make a dog go "meow"? Take it out of the freezer and run it through a bandsaw.




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I am writing a book about the history of camping. It's all in past tents.

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I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

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My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.

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It's OK if you don't like my personality. I've got others.

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What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!

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There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.

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Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish!

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Why isn't there gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs.

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How many letters are in the alphabet during the Christmas Season? Only 25...because there's Noel.

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My dad has the heart of a lion - and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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Dad: what did you learn at school today, son? Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.

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My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.

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What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back? "Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"

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The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

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How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb? There can be only one.

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What do you tell a cow blocking a road? Mooove

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Tall people don't need to be inspirational Everyone already looks up to them.

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Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!

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What do your call a fish who starts a drug empire? A scarfish

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I got accepted into Harvard's medical program I just have to die first and give them my body.

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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger... Then it hit me.

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Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it..

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Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!

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What do you call a fat female assassin? A killer whale.

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Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. She is not coming back.

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They say that money can't buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing...

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Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!

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What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage? The energy bill ...

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I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.

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How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another!

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