I hate people that drink in order to have fun. Why can't they say it's great just to drink, whether you have fun or not?

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

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What starts with "E" and has only one letter in it? Envelope!

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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.

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The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.

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What do you call a bee with a toe? "Toby"

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What do you take before every meal? A seat.

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Why did the golfer wear two pants? He got a hole in one

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Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word

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I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

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I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth.

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What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mother!

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What has 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog.

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What do you give an elephant with big feet ? Plenty of room!

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When you fall, I'll always be there for you. Sincerely, The Floor.

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Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates

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What's cold, hot and chilly all at once? Cold chili.

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Animal testing is pointless. We already know they're animals.

What is not a truck crashing into people? Nice.

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If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.

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I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

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There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.

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Why couldn't the restaurant patron get into his car? He had Gnocchi.

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Tall people don't need to be inspirational Everyone already looks up to them.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? The get to the other side.

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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.

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People tell me sharing is caring. Good thing I don't care.

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What never comes but always leaves? My dates.

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Why can't the T-rex clap its hands? Because it's dead.

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There was a kidnapping at my school today... It's okay guys, he woke up.

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I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.

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