Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.

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My lighter has two settings: 1: Spark, spark, spark 2: No left eyebrow

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Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!

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My favorite element is Helium. I can't speak highly enough of it.

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Do you know what my grandmother would be doing today if she was alive? Scratching at her coffin.

What do pirates have with their fish? Tartarrrrrrrr sauce.

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What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99

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If at first you don't succeed... then skydiving is NOT for you.

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My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.

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In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

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I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?

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You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they're probably a cab driver.

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I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

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What's a cat's favorite color? Purrple.

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What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A chain saw has a dynamic range.

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My phone got arrested today... It was charged with battery.

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What's the secret to a long life? Never order vegetarian in Texas...

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How do I get to the other side? Blonde: You are on the other side.

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I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.

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I was on diet for a month and all I lost was 30 days...

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What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the latest iPhone started? Looking for Jobs.

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Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.

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What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

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Tried to pick up a woman at a cremation once. Got my fingers burnt.

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Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates

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Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

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Why did the bowling pins stop working? They went on strike!

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I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

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Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.

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What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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