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    • What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day




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    • Why dont penguins ever get married? They always get cold feet!




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    • How does Dracula keep fit? He plays batminton.




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    • I was dating an archaeologist but I had to break up with her. Turns out she was a gold digger...




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    • If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.




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    • Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.




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    • Why do businessmen carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas cant walk.




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    • Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? Hes all right.




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    • Nothing freaks me out like when Im ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask What kind of meat is that? and they answer yes.




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    • Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.




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    • Life is about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ships kitchen.




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    • How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she cant find her pencil.




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    • Why did the chicken cross the road? The get to the other side.




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    • What do you call a literary fish? Salmon Rushdie!




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    • Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?




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    • A kleptomaniac goes to see her doctor. She says, Doctor, my condition has worsened. Is there anything I can take?




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    • Why doesnt a sociologist look out the window in the morning? Because then theyd have nothing to do in the afternoon.




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    • What does a pirate wear if he works at Apple? iPatch




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    • Theres one thing Ive learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. Im rather good at golf.




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    • There's one thing I've learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. I'm rather good at golf.

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    • Why are there no penguins in Britain? Theyre scared of Wales.




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    • Whats heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.




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