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What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
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If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now? A math problem
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There are 10 types of people in the world! Those that can count and those that can't.
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How come anteaters never get sick? Because they're full of antibodies!
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How do you make a dog go "meow"? Take it out of the freezer and run it through a bandsaw.
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What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
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The problem with today's children is that today's parents are idiots.
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What many don't know, "Riverdance" was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.
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I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.
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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
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A man goes to the doctor, and says "I broke my arm in three places." And the doctor says, "Well then don't go to those places anymore."
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New science shows that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
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How did the hipster burn his tongue ? cos he drank he coffee before it was cool...
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If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.
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I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth.
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Somebody asks: "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.
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Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.
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John regrets getting a brain transplant. I guess he changed his mind.
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So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...
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Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking "Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?"
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Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.
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What did the diver say to the oyster? I want that pearl! Don't be shellfish!
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