What does a pirate wear if he works at Apple? iPatch

Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

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Animal testing is pointless. We already know they're animals.

Who sell the products cheaper, a manufacturer or a distributor? The store guard!

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Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!

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What never comes but always leaves? My dates.

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My uncle, as an oncologist - has a great sense of tumor.

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How can you open a banana? With a monkey!

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I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?

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What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes

Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing

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If old people are so wise... How come they always die before everyone else?

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I told my friend to not worry about being hungry at the beach. Because of all the sand which is there.

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What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

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What do your call a fish who starts a drug empire? A scarfish

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I don't pretend to be anything I'm not.. Except for sober - I've pretended to be sober a few times

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Do you know what my grandmother would be doing today if she was alive? Scratching at her coffin.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

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Where do women have the most curly hair? In Africa...

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Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.

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Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster. Stupid geese.

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What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I smell carrots too.

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

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My ex is looking for a job but I don't think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she'll be unemployed for a while.

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What do you call someone who strictly prefers white rice over brown rice? A goddamn riceist

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What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet? Urine trouble.

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My favorite quote: "Deep down, every human being just wants to be remembered." anonymous

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What do you call a swiss priest? A Holy Cheese!

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What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8

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Three kids are in an agruement about who's dad is better. "My dad's a fireman" said Billy. "My dad's a marine!" said Johnny. "My dad's invisible." said Brian.

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