I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

My lighter has two settings: 1: Spark, spark, spark 2: No left eyebrow

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Why don't they have a concert on the moon? No atmosphere

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In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

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How come anteaters never get sick? Because they're full of antibodies!

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My mother always told me: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.

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When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

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Some people prefer to put the thermometer in their mouth, while others prefer it in their rectum. It's a matter of taste!

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What's the most common blood type among drummers? Heroin.

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What never comes but always leaves? My dates.

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Who is there? Police! What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other!

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Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf? In case you get a hole in one!

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So there was a stork carrying an old man and the old man turns to it and says: "Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"

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What do you tell a cow blocking a road? Mooove

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Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus... Bus conductor: "The older one should sit here". Both looked at each other and the seat remained empty...

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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? Today sure was ruff

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If money doesn't buy happiness.. then explain why you have to pay for a divorce.

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I gave her my heart but what she really needed was kidney transplant...

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An opinion without 3.1415926535897932... is just an onion.

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What do you call a swiss priest? A Holy Cheese!

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You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you keep a stash of roofies on you at all times.

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The more complex the handshake, the less complex the individual.

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Why do women live longer than men? They're not married to women.

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I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.

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You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they're probably a cab driver.

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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

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At the liquor store: "Hey, do you need help?" "Yes, but I come here instead."

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Dad: what did you learn at school today, son? Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.

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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is life on Mars after all.

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Why did the creepy hipster get arrested? Because he was following people before Instagram.

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What do you get the man who has everything? Antibiotics

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