Tried to pick up a woman at a cremation once. Got my fingers burnt.

"Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?" "The ATM machine"

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Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."

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If you can't do what's right you can always do what's left.

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Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing

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If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple "Thank you" is all I need! Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business!

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What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.

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Why did they bury the Scottish man on the West side of the hill? Because he was dead

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I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

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A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

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What do you want your husbands gravestone to say? Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."

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What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

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Why was Mr. Behaving sad? His daughter was always Ms. Behaving.

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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.

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How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.

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Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning? Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

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What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer.

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What kind of car does a ghost drive? A boogati!

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Always Pay Attention! After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left. Then the Nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear: "Who was that?"

What happened to your three week diet? I finished it in three days!

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WARNING! If you get an e-mail with the title of "Nude Photo of Joe Biden" DO NOT OPEN IT! It IS a nude photo of Joe Biden.

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What is the name of a taxi service for bears? Ubear.

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How can you open a banana? With a monkey!

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In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

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I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

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Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

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Three kids are in an agruement about who's dad is better. "My dad's a fireman" said Billy. "My dad's a marine!" said Johnny. "My dad's invisible." said Brian.

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My longest relationship was when an Uber driver took me all the way to the airport once.

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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

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Wanna hear my joke about the beach? I'm shore you'll like it.

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