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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.
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Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
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I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.
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People are mad because MTV doesn't show music videos. What about Fox News? They haven't shown a fox in months.
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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is life on Mars after all.
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If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.
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I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.
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Did you hear about the Chinese Chef who broke out of jail? Apparently he went out for a wok and never came back.
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What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?
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I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.
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What does the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?
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I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast.
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If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.
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If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.
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Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.
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How do you make a dog go "meow"? Take it out of the freezer and run it through a bandsaw.
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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
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Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.
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The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well. I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.
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Why don't women fart? They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
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Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates
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Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking "Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?"
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