They say that money can't buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing...

Why did the creepy hipster get arrested? Because he was following people before Instagram.

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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.

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German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: Name? Hans. Surname? Schmidt. Occupation? No, just traveling.

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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.

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Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for the rest of his life.

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If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.

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How do you think the unthinkable? Run your ship into an iceberg...

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What's the capital of Massachusetts? M

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.

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What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow ? Reality.

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What's a man in a hurry like to drink? man-go juice!

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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger... Then it hit me.

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Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!

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What does the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?

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I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it!

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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it's because no one else wanted them.

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What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

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What do you want your husbands gravestone to say? Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."

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I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

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So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...

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I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast.

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My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!

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This deodorant says: "Avoid contact with eyes." Too late... I've already seen it.

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What do you call your mum who is shorter than you? A minimum.

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"Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?" "The ATM machine"

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Gaining Weight? ...It's a piece of cake!

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"What is 5Q + 5Q?" The class responds: "10Q." The teacher responds: "You're welcome"

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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

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