If you can't do what's right you can always do what's left.

I don't pretend to be anything I'm not.. Except for sober - I've pretended to be sober a few times

More pictures and rate this joke

My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!

More pictures and rate this joke

I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours.

More pictures and rate this joke

My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit... He said "Like a cheap castle." Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."

More pictures and rate this joke

If two lawyers were drowning and you could only save one of them would you read the paper or go to lunch?

More pictures and rate this joke

The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting. Then it brought me down.

More pictures and rate this joke

Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

More pictures and rate this joke

I was on diet for a month and all I lost was 30 days...

More pictures and rate this joke

Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

More pictures and rate this joke

My friend David lost his ID the other day. Now we just call him Dav.

More pictures and rate this joke

If at first you don't succeed... then skydiving is NOT for you.

More pictures and rate this joke

Do you want to hear the funniest joke in the world? Me too.

More pictures and rate this joke

Who's this Rorschach dude? And why is he so good at drawing pictures of my mom beating me

More pictures and rate this joke

Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf? In case you get a hole in one!

More pictures and rate this joke

What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99

More pictures and rate this joke

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

More pictures and rate this joke

A very tough question to answer If con is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress?

More pictures and rate this joke

I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?

More pictures and rate this joke

What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? A: You get light music.

More pictures and rate this joke

A man walks into a bar... ...and loses the international limbo championship.

More pictures and rate this joke

I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

More pictures and rate this joke

I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane. Until he hit the ground.

What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day

More pictures and rate this joke

Teacher: "What is science?" Student: "Me Ma'am!" Teacher: "Ok Bob, what is science?" Student: "Science is our lesson for today."

More pictures and rate this joke

What was Dr Frankenstein's second job? He was a body-builder.

More pictures and rate this joke

Why couldn't the restaurant patron get into his car? He had Gnocchi.

More pictures and rate this joke

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Define "light bulb".

More pictures and rate this joke

What's the most common blood type among drummers? Heroin.

More pictures and rate this joke

Have you guys seen the movie called "Constipation"? No? That's cuz it hasn't come out yet...

More pictures and rate this joke

I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid.

More pictures and rate this joke