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What goes cackle cackle boom? A witch in a minefield.
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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.
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Doc, I've got a problem. Every morning at 8 sharp I poop. Doc: "How is that a problem?" Me: "I wake up at 9."
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Want to hear a cheesy joke? I will only tell it if I have your Parmesan...
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I've decided to start my own herb garden. I've got a lot of extra Thyme.
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How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.
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If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple "Thank you" is all I need! Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business!
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it!
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What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer.
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I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage? The energy bill ...
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How come anteaters never get sick? Because they're full of antibodies!
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The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.
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You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they're probably a cab driver.
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Teacher: Class we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
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You know what I hate about fashion designers? They are so clothes-minded.
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Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates
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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!
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Why do hurricanes travel so fast? Because if they travelled slowly we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.
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Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back? "Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"
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