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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx?
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It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside...
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Why don't women fart? They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
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Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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Me: "Mom and Dad, I've decided to live on my own from now on." Parents: "Ok, cool." Me: "Your luggage is outside..."
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
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Why can't the wive find her asshole? He's on the job.
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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
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I gave her my heart but what she really needed was kidney transplant...
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Have you guys seen the movie called "Constipation"? No? That's cuz it hasn't come out yet...
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Do you know what my grandmother would be doing today if she was alive? Scratching at her coffin.
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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying "Don't worry, we cleaned it up"
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What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage? The energy bill ...
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I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.
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Why are old balloons cheaper than new balloons? Because of inflation
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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
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Why couldn't the restaurant patron get into his car? He had Gnocchi.
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Getting injected with tetanus.
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You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they're probably a cab driver.
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