"Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?" "The ATM machine"

The Flat Earth Community has supporters all around the globe.

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What do you call a witch that goes to the beach? Sandwitch

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Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf? In case you get a hole in one!

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There's one thing I've learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. I'm rather good at golf.

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Treat your guests like family, so they don't stay too long.

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Wife: "What's that beeping?" Me: "Fasten seatbelt alarm." Wife: "How can you ignore something so annoying?" Me: "Huh?"

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I was trying to form a club for eunuchs at my high school... But there weren't enough members.

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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

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Have you guys seen the movie called "Constipation"? No? That's cuz it hasn't come out yet...

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I got accepted into Harvard's medical program I just have to die first and give them my body.

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What kind of car does a ghost drive? A boogati!

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Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."

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If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.

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What do you call a fat female assassin? A killer whale.

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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

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What do you call an italian pro-gun activist? Pro-shooto

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Who sell the products cheaper, a manufacturer or a distributor? The store guard!

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If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have? Someone else's pants on.

What bus crossed the Atlantic Ocean? Columbus

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Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to say something.

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A good book is like a good puppy. Both are easy to pick up but hard to put down.

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What is green, red and goes 90 miles per hour? A frog in a blender.

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What did the diver say to the oyster? I want that pearl! Don't be shellfish!

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If two lawyers were drowning and you could only save one of them would you read the paper or go to lunch?

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Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

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A man goes to the doctor, and says "I broke my arm in three places." And the doctor says, "Well then don't go to those places anymore."

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A proctologist walks into a bar. Hostess: Would you like to take a stool or grab a seat? Doctor: Hell no, just a beer, I do that all day.

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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

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What's the best sport to learn when you are moving? Boxing

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What kind of pictures does a mermaid take on her phone? Shelfies.

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