Customer: "Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!" Waiter: "Don't worry Sir it's not that hot!"

Finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures. It's my face.

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What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

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What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees...

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How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.

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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt!

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A new study has proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.

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A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

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Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move... a roundhouse kick to the face.

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What many don't know, "Riverdance" was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.

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Some people prefer to put the thermometer in their mouth, while others prefer it in their rectum. It's a matter of taste!

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Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish!

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I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

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Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stomp out burning ducks.

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Did you hear about the nation's best farmer? He's out standing in his field.

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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

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A group of people were yelling at me in the movie theater. It got so loud I had to take my phone call outside.

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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

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What do I know about dwarves? Very little.

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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."

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Last night I walked into a bar - it still hurts...

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How to eliminate world hunger and unemployment at once? Let the hungry eat the unemployed.

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Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates

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The Flat Earth Community has supporters all around the globe.

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Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!

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Why was Mr. Behaving sad? His daughter was always Ms. Behaving.

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The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.

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How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another!

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Why can't the T-rex clap its hands? Because it's dead.

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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

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Why isn't there gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs.

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