This deodorant says: "Avoid contact with eyes." Too late... I've already seen it.

Why don't penguins ever get married? They always get cold feet!

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I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

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A helicopter crashed on a graveyard. Reports says over 500 dead...

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Why do divers fall backwards from boats? Because if they fell forward they'd still be in it!

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How come anteaters never get sick? Because they're full of antibodies!

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Getting injected with tetanus.

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Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus... Bus conductor: "The older one should sit here". Both looked at each other and the seat remained empty...

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I gave her my heart but what she really needed was kidney transplant...

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Why do people hesitate before registering as an organ donor? It takes guts.

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What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99

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The cemetery down the street seems like it's a pretty exclusive club. People are dying to get in...

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Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning? Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

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When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you... Why should only I suffer!

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What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

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Two Flies Are Sitting On a Piece of Shit. The first fly farts. The other gives him a disgusted look and says, "Come on man! I'm eating here!"

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In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

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Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years: "What did you do before you were married sir?" With teary eyes he replied: "Whatever the hell i wanted to do."

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Wanna see an ass-trick? Here --> *

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What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

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Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.

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Wanna hear a dirty joke? John got dirty. Wanna hear a clean joke? John took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a naughty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.

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The problem with today's children is that today's parents are idiots.

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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

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Why do women like men with moustaches? Because they immediately see something about you they can change.

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What do you call a fat female assassin? A killer whale.

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Why don't women fart? They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

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What bus crossed the Atlantic Ocean? Columbus

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I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid.

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Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

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