Doc, I've got a problem. Every morning at 8 sharp I poop. Doc: "How is that a problem?" Me: "I wake up at 9."

The more complex the handshake, the less complex the individual.

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Sometimes I feel like a doctor stuck studying X-rays to gauge the health impacts of excessive sausage eating. I tend to see the wurst in people.

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The cemetery down the street seems like it's a pretty exclusive club. People are dying to get in...

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Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!

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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

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If your clock strikes 13, what time is it? Time to fix your clock.

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A man walks into a bar... ...and loses the international limbo championship.

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In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

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Two satellites decide to get married. The wedding wasn't "all that," but the reception was great!

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What do you call a bicycle with no seat? A real pain in the ass.

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Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.

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What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.

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What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

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It's OK if you don't like my personality. I've got others.

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It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse "Right of Way" with "Immortality."

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Why don't women fart? They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

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There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.

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Why can't the T-rex clap its hands? Because it's dead.

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My favorite quote: "Deep down, every human being just wants to be remembered." anonymous

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Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt!

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What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage? The energy bill ...

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I wanted to turn my life around so I tried to stop memeing all the time... ...It made my life memeingless

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I've decided to start my own herb garden. I've got a lot of extra Thyme.

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Finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures. It's my face.

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What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears? Britney asked to be hit one more time..

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If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple "Thank you" is all I need! Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business!

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If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.

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Have you heard the joke about the corrupt government? [Content Removed]

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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tyred..

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