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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.
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Wanna hear a dirty joke? John got dirty. Wanna hear a clean joke? John took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a naughty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.
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Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes".
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Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.
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The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.
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I went to the hairdresser and she asked how I'd like my hair cut. In silence.
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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.
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How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb? There can be only one.
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"What is 5Q + 5Q?" The class responds: "10Q." The teacher responds: "You're welcome"
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Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."
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I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left..
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Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?" and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol
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Doc, I've got a problem. Every morning at 8 sharp I poop. Doc: "How is that a problem?" Me: "I wake up at 9."
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How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.
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Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework
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My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!
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If money doesn't buy happiness.. then explain why you have to pay for a divorce.
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Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer.
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At the liquor store: "Hey, do you need help?" "Yes, but I come here instead."
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I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.
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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.
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Why are Americans so good at shooting? They have the best schools for it.
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Why are there so many female archeologists? Because women love digging up the past.
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Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move... a roundhouse kick to the face.
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Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for the rest of his life.
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"How did you get into counterfeiting?" Criminal: I answered an ad that said "Make money at home."
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What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
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When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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