Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

If you could choose between world peace and $100,000,000, what color would you choose for your Ferrari?

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The ATM told me, "Not enough funds in account," when I tried to withdraw. This ATM needs a bigger account.

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Want to read a joke about pizza? Never-mind, it's too cheesy!

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I'm dating an x-ray technician... But I don't know what she sees in me.

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I got accepted into Harvard's medical program I just have to die first and give them my body.

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What kind of bees eat brains? Zombees

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My favorite element is Helium. I can't speak highly enough of it.

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Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing

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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."

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If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

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So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...

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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

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Why don't penguins ever get married? They always get cold feet!

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Why are Americans so good at shooting? They have the best schools for it.

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My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night. Three in the morning, can you believe it? He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.

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My lighter has two settings: 1: Spark, spark, spark 2: No left eyebrow

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Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.

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Finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures. It's my face.

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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.

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Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop... The first one says to the other: Don't go that way, there's a cactusssssss

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I am so lonely. The only ex I have is in my chromosome XY...

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My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.

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What do you call a dog that is also a magician? A Labracadabrador.

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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying "Don't worry, we cleaned it up"

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What is a Rastafarian's favorite country? Yemen

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Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.

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What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son? If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy!

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The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting. Then it brought me down.

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

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