What do you call a swiss priest? A Holy Cheese!

I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket. "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.

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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

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My favorite Yoga pose is the upward facing couch potato.

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Why did the sick eagle get deported? Because he was an illeagle.

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I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

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Teacher: Class we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

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What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet? Urine trouble.

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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

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A helicopter crashed on a graveyard. Reports says over 500 dead...

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I've decided to start my own herb garden. I've got a lot of extra Thyme.

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I told my friend to not worry about being hungry at the beach. Because of all the sand which is there.

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What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

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How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

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How to eliminate world hunger and unemployment at once? Let the hungry eat the unemployed.

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A man goes to the doctor, and says "I broke my arm in three places." And the doctor says, "Well then don't go to those places anymore."

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My uncle, as an oncologist - has a great sense of tumor.

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Why can't the T-rex clap its hands? Because it's dead.

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I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth.

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Why isn't there gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs.

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What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back? "Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"

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What's the difference between talking to your wife after you forgot something and a minefield? You can actually get through the minefield alive.

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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

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I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

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What did the strawberry say on December 25th? Berry Christmas!

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Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years: "What did you do before you were married sir?" With teary eyes he replied: "Whatever the hell i wanted to do."

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What is a Catholic choir boy's favorite song? "Can't Touch This"

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Why don't women fart? They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

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There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.

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Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.

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