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RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom.
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So there was a stork carrying an old man and the old man turns to it and says: "Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"
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Caught my vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!
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I once fell in love with an English Teacher.... ...I wrote her a love letter and she corrected it.
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Why did the blonde stare at her orange juice for so long? Because it said, Concentrate.
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If two lawyers were drowning and you could only save one of them would you read the paper or go to lunch?
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My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.
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Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to say something.
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What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.
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Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door
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No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
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A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
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Somebody asks: "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.
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If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple "Thank you" is all I need! Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business!
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I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it!
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Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk and I swatted one how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one!
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Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from an egg plant. Im going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.
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This deodorant says: "Avoid contact with eyes." Too late... I've already seen it.
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