What do you call a bunch of killer whales playing musical instruments? An orca-stra.

What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage? The energy bill ...

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When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!

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Why did the sick eagle get deported? Because he was an illeagle.

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Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well yes he borrowed my pen!

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Wanna see an ass-trick? Here --> *

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If you can't do what's right you can always do what's left.

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Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.

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How can you open a banana? With a monkey!

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A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday. How does he do it? The horses name is Friday.

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What do you call it when a bunch of druggies talk to each other? Joint-Discussion.

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Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

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Why did they bury the Scottish man on the West side of the hill? Because he was dead

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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

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Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?" and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol

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I don't pretend to be anything I'm not.. Except for sober - I've pretended to be sober a few times

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Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer.

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My lighter has two settings: 1: Spark, spark, spark 2: No left eyebrow

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A helicopter crashed on a graveyard. Reports says over 500 dead...

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Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."

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What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer.

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Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could, there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

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What do you call a bee with a toe? "Toby"

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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it's because no one else wanted them.

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What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.

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Wanna hear my joke about the beach? I'm shore you'll like it.

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What do pirates have with their fish? Tartarrrrrrrr sauce.

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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

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Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

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What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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