What do you call a bunch of killer whales playing musical instruments? An orca-stra.

Tall people don't need to be inspirational Everyone already looks up to them.

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"Doctor. Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm." "How boring for you!"

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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

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What do you call a witch that goes to the beach? Sandwitch

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Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

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I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?

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Where do women have the most curly hair? In Africa...

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It's so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

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Doc, I've got a problem. Every morning at 8 sharp I poop. Doc: "How is that a problem?" Me: "I wake up at 9."

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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

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Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

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What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving of a cliff? A shame. What do you call an empty seat? A damn shame.

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How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male if she answers it's female.

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What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.

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What did the diver say to the oyster? I want that pearl! Don't be shellfish!

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I win most of my staring contests... ... because my opponents usually don't know they're playing.

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Why can't the T-rex clap its hands? Because it's dead.

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Some people prefer to put the thermometer in their mouth, while others prefer it in their rectum. It's a matter of taste!

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You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you keep a stash of roofies on you at all times.

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When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you... Why should only I suffer!

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Last night I walked into a bar - it still hurts...

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When someone asks me if I'm busy, it always sounds like a trick question.

Why don't women fart? They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.

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I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left..

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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!

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Cop: "Are you driving under the influence?" Me: "No." Cop: "Say the alphabet backwards." Me: "Tebahpla eht."

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What's next to England? A question mark.

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What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing boeing boeing

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