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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.
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What did the diver say to the oyster? I want that pearl! Don't be shellfish!
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Set a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.
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I was dating an archaeologist but I had to break up with her. Turns out she was a gold digger...
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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
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Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well yes he borrowed my pen!
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There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same.
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Why is George Bush in bed every night by 9:10? Because nothing good happens after 9:11.
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I was trying to form a club for eunuchs at my high school... But there weren't enough members.
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A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday. How does he do it? The horses name is Friday.
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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.
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What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
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Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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What do you call a smarty pants? A jeanius
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Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.
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What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.
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A proctologist walks into a bar. Hostess: Would you like to take a stool or grab a seat? Doctor: Hell no, just a beer, I do that all day.
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If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.
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What do you say when you find two banana peels together? Answer: A pair of slipper
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What do you call a farmer who is really good at his job? A man who is outstanding in his field.
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What's the difference between a sumo and a feminist? A sumo shaves their legs.
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What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.
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