My uncle, as an oncologist - has a great sense of tumor.

A man goes to the doctor, and says "I broke my arm in three places." And the doctor says, "Well then don't go to those places anymore."

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Why is a bear brown? Because he crawls in his hole during winter.

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Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.

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So there was a stork carrying an old man and the old man turns to it and says: "Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"

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Two Flies Are Sitting On a Piece of Shit. The first fly farts. The other gives him a disgusted look and says, "Come on man! I'm eating here!"

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How can you open a banana? With a monkey!

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Have you guys seen the movie called "Constipation"? No? That's cuz it hasn't come out yet...

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What does the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?

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What is not a truck crashing into people? Nice.

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What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears? Britney asked to be hit one more time..

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So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...

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German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: Name? Hans. Surname? Schmidt. Occupation? No, just traveling.

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People tell me sharing is caring. Good thing I don't care.

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Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.

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I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket. "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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What planet smells the worst? Poopiter.

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I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours.

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It's so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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Life is about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

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Caught my vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!

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What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

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My favorite quote: "Deep down, every human being just wants to be remembered." anonymous

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Why did the bowling pins stop working? They went on strike!

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Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from an egg plant. Im going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.

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What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day

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A robber walks into a bakery, and pulls out a gun. "Give me the dough!"

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My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"

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What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can't get out of the bathtub.

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Why don't they have a concert on the moon? No atmosphere

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