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What's fatter than your mom? Your mom after her next meal.
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Dad: what did you learn at school today, son? Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.
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What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the latest iPhone started? Looking for Jobs.
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Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
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At the liquor store: "Hey, do you need help?" "Yes, but I come here instead."
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Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.
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A man goes to the doctor, and says "I broke my arm in three places." And the doctor says, "Well then don't go to those places anymore."
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If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now? A math problem
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German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: Name? Hans. Surname? Schmidt. Occupation? No, just traveling.
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Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well yes he borrowed my pen!
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My friend David lost his ID the other day. Now we just call him Dav.
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Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop... The first one says to the other: Don't go that way, there's a cactusssssss
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What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back? "Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"
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Who sell the products cheaper, a manufacturer or a distributor? The store guard!
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My mother always told me: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.
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I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left..
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New science shows that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
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My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night. Three in the morning, can you believe it? He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.
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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
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