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I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours.
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It's so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
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Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.
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New science shows that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
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Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!
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I am writing a book about the history of camping. It's all in past tents.
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Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile.. Because you are a joke.
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Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."
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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
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My old best friend ran off years ago to pursue his dream of becoming a mime... I haven't heard from him since.
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What does the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?
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What's the secret to a long life? Never order vegetarian in Texas...
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"What is 5Q + 5Q?" The class responds: "10Q." The teacher responds: "You're welcome"
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My longest relationship was when an Uber driver took me all the way to the airport once.
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Who sell the products cheaper, a manufacturer or a distributor? The store guard!
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I'm dating an x-ray technician... But I don't know what she sees in me.
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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx?
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Sometimes I feel like a doctor stuck studying X-rays to gauge the health impacts of excessive sausage eating. I tend to see the wurst in people.
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Ran my first 10k this morning. I'm kidding, I'm on my second Milky Way.
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I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth.
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Set a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.
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My mother always told me: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.
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My friend David lost his ID the other day. Now we just call him Dav.
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When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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Why are there so many female archeologists? Because women love digging up the past.
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