This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer.

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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.

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Why don't girls have beards? It's in their jeans...

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In what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? Dublin.

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What bus crossed the Atlantic Ocean? Columbus

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What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

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I think it's pretty cool Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.

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A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much it is for a beer. The bartender says ; "For you.. No charge!"

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How do you know carrots improve your vision? Cause you've never seen any bunnies with glasses

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I threw a boomerang a few years ago I now live in constant fear

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How do you know a introvert likes you... He stares at your shoes instead of his.

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What is the name of a taxi service for bears? Ubear.

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There's one thing I've learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. I'm rather good at golf.

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What's fatter than your mom? Your mom after her next meal.

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If old people are so wise... How come they always die before everyone else?

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Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

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A good book is like a good puppy. Both are easy to pick up but hard to put down.

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Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."

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Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.

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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.

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How did the hipster burn his tongue ? cos he drank he coffee before it was cool...

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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? Today sure was ruff

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What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving of a cliff? A shame. What do you call an empty seat? A damn shame.

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Doc, I've got a problem. Every morning at 8 sharp I poop. Doc: "How is that a problem?" Me: "I wake up at 9."

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What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing boeing boeing

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What is not a truck crashing into people? Nice.

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Where did I get my scarf? It's a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

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The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.

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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."

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Where do women have the most curly hair? In Africa...

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