I went to the hairdresser and she asked how I'd like my hair cut. In silence.

What do dogs have that no other animal has? Puppy dogs!

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Why did the sick eagle get deported? Because he was an illeagle.

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Where do sick boats go? to the dock!

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Why do women like men with moustaches? Because they immediately see something about you they can change.

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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx?

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Why did they bury the Scottish man on the West side of the hill? Because he was dead

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What's drier than toast without butter? My sense of humor.

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I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid.

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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

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A good book is like a good puppy. Both are easy to pick up but hard to put down.

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If at first you don't succeed... then skydiving is NOT for you.

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What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day

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What never comes but always leaves? My dates.

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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!

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What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.

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There was a kidnapping at my school today... It's okay guys, he woke up.

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What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

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What's a man in a hurry like to drink? man-go juice!

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I don't pretend to be anything I'm not.. Except for sober - I've pretended to be sober a few times

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I've decided to start my own herb garden. I've got a lot of extra Thyme.

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My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit... He said "Like a cheap castle." Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."

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So there was a stork carrying an old man and the old man turns to it and says: "Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"

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I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

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Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus... Bus conductor: "The older one should sit here". Both looked at each other and the seat remained empty...

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Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish!

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What does a Bird and a fridge have in common? They can both fly except the fridge.

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If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive... They'd find me attractive.

What has a mouth but no teeth? A river.

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I'm dating an x-ray technician... But I don't know what she sees in me.

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The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

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