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Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."
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How did the hipster burn his tongue ? cos he drank he coffee before it was cool...
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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt!
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A man walks into a bar... ...and loses the international limbo championship.
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I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?
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The cemetery down the street seems like it's a pretty exclusive club. People are dying to get in...
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What do you call someone who strictly prefers white rice over brown rice? A goddamn riceist
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I am writing a book about the history of camping. It's all in past tents.
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What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? A: You get light music.
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What do you call it when a bunch of druggies talk to each other? Joint-Discussion.
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If Twitter was invented by a woman, the character limit would be 10,000 characters.
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Do you know what my grandmother would be doing today if she was alive? Scratching at her coffin.
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German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: Name? Hans. Surname? Schmidt. Occupation? No, just traveling.
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Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!
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If money doesn't buy happiness.. then explain why you have to pay for a divorce.
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How come anteaters never get sick? Because they're full of antibodies!
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If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now? A math problem
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RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom.
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Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
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If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.
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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.
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What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A chain saw has a dynamic range.
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