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Why do women have legs? To not leave a slime trail.
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What's the difference between life and wife's rant? Life eventually ends.
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Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move... a roundhouse kick to the face.
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Dad: what did you learn at school today, son? Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.
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Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.
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Me: "Mom and Dad, I've decided to live on my own from now on." Parents: "Ok, cool." Me: "Your luggage is outside..."
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Cop: "Are you driving under the influence?" Me: "No." Cop: "Say the alphabet backwards." Me: "Tebahpla eht."
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At the liquor store: "Hey, do you need help?" "Yes, but I come here instead."
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No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
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"Doctor. Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm." "How boring for you!"
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I once fell in love with an English Teacher.... ...I wrote her a love letter and she corrected it.
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What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
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Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates
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Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. She is not coming back.
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What do you call it when a bunch of druggies talk to each other? Joint-Discussion.
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Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation? At the Howliday Inn!
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Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework
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What did the 0 say to the 8? Hey, nice belt..
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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is life on Mars after all.
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