If at first you don't succeed... then skydiving is NOT for you.

What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird ? A feather boa!

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Why was Mr. Behaving sad? His daughter was always Ms. Behaving.

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In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

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Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

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What do you call your mum who is shorter than you? A minimum.

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What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A chain saw has a dynamic range.

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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

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Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.

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If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

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What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

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What do you tell a cow blocking a road? Mooove

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I like my coffee like I like my woman. Cold and bitter.

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New science shows that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.

Why did they bury the Scottish man on the West side of the hill? Because he was dead

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Do you want to hear the funniest joke in the world? Me too.

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If your clock strikes 13, what time is it? Time to fix your clock.

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If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.

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I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

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What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?

I wondered why the train was getting bigger... then it hit me

There was a kidnapping at my school today... It's okay guys, he woke up.

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How to eliminate world hunger and unemployment at once? Let the hungry eat the unemployed.

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My phone got arrested today... It was charged with battery.

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Teacher: Class we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

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When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ? When the door is open!

Why is a bear brown? Because he crawls in his hole during winter.

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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

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When you fall, I'll always be there for you. Sincerely, The Floor.

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There are 10 types of people in the world! Those that can count and those that can't.

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