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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.
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At the liquor store: "Hey, do you need help?" "Yes, but I come here instead."
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If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple "Thank you" is all I need! Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business!
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The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well. I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.
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I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.
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A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday. How does he do it? The horses name is Friday.
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You know what I hate about fashion designers? They are so clothes-minded.
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Why are Americans so good at shooting? They have the best schools for it.
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A man walks into a bar... ...and loses the international limbo championship.
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Wife: "What's that beeping?" Me: "Fasten seatbelt alarm." Wife: "How can you ignore something so annoying?" Me: "Huh?"
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Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.
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What do you call a smarty pants? A jeanius
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Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.
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If money doesn't buy happiness.. then explain why you have to pay for a divorce.
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When someone asks me if I'm busy, it always sounds like a trick question.
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Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates
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What does a bee say before it stings you? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!
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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
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I've decided to start my own herb garden. I've got a lot of extra Thyme.
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Set a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.
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Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.
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What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
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