Who sell the products cheaper, a manufacturer or a distributor? The store guard!

Why don't girls have beards? It's in their jeans...

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Who's killed more natives than General Custer? Jack Daniels

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I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

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What should you never do in front of an alcoholic? Whine.

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Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!

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What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.

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What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly? A dead bird.

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Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.

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How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

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The Flat Earth Community has supporters all around the globe.

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"Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?" "The ATM machine"

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If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now? A math problem

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I'm dating an x-ray technician... But I don't know what she sees in me.

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A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much it is for a beer. The bartender says ; "For you.. No charge!"

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There are 10 types of people in the world! Those that can count and those that can't.

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Why married guys are fat: A single guy opens the fridge, sees nothing interesting there - he goes to bed. A married guy goes in the bedroom, sees nothing interesting there - he goes to the fridge.

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People are mad because MTV doesn't show music videos. What about Fox News? They haven't shown a fox in months.

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"How did you get into counterfeiting?" Criminal: I answered an ad that said "Make money at home."

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Guys my calendar is really sick... I think its days are numbered.

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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

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Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. She is not coming back.

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What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!

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Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes".

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Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.

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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

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When you fall, I'll always be there for you. Sincerely, The Floor.

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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.

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I win most of my staring contests... ... because my opponents usually don't know they're playing.

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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

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