Why are Americans so good at shooting? They have the best schools for it.

What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly? A dead bird.

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What clothes do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.

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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

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If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now? A math problem

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What kind of pictures does a mermaid take on her phone? Shelfies.

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I wanted to turn my life around so I tried to stop memeing all the time... ...It made my life memeingless

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Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.

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I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane. Until he hit the ground.

Why did the sick eagle get deported? Because he was an illeagle.

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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can't get out of the bathtub.

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Tried to pick up a woman at a cremation once. Got my fingers burnt.

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Last night I walked into a bar - it still hurts...

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The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.

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Who's killed more natives than General Custer? Jack Daniels

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Why did the zombie not eat your brain? Because he doesn't eat junk food.

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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

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Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? He's all right.

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What was Dr Frankenstein's second job? He was a body-builder.

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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tyred..

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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

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John regrets getting a brain transplant. I guess he changed his mind.

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Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

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Why do businessmen carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas can't walk.

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What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunderware.

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A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it's because no one else wanted them.

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Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!

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Why don't girls have beards? It's in their jeans...

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They installed a new machine at my gym today, I managed to do 2 hours on it. They do all sorts. Snickers, Kit-kats, Mars bars, etc.

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I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast.

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