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Why are there no penguins in Britain? They're scared of Wales.
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Have you guys seen the movie called "Constipation"? No? That's cuz it hasn't come out yet...
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If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.
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When someone tells you to expect the unexpected, slap them and ask if they expected it!
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How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male if she answers it's female.
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What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You meet new people every day.
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If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive... They'd find me attractive.
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I wanted to turn my life around so I tried to stop memeing all the time... ...It made my life memeingless
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much it is for a beer. The bartender says ; "For you.. No charge!"
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"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask?" She says, "He said, Please put down that damn gun..."
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Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.
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Why did the zombie not eat your brain? Because he doesn't eat junk food.
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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
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Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.
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Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. She is not coming back.
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What's the difference between life and wife's rant? Life eventually ends.
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Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years: "What did you do before you were married sir?" With teary eyes he replied: "Whatever the hell i wanted to do."
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What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears? Britney asked to be hit one more time..
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They installed a new machine at my gym today, I managed to do 2 hours on it. They do all sorts. Snickers, Kit-kats, Mars bars, etc.
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I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?
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The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting. Then it brought me down.
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What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
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I win most of my staring contests... ... because my opponents usually don't know they're playing.
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Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning? Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
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If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have? Someone else's pants on.
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Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.
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My old best friend ran off years ago to pursue his dream of becoming a mime... I haven't heard from him since.
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My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!
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