How did I escape Iraq? Iran

Why do women have legs? To not leave a slime trail.

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Life is like a box of chocolates... the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts!

Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.

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A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday. How does he do it? The horses name is Friday.

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What was Dr Frankenstein's second job? He was a body-builder.

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Who is there? Police! What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other!

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Teacher: Class we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

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What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.

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How do you make a dog go "meow"? Take it out of the freezer and run it through a bandsaw.

How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

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Max wondered why the ball was slowly growing larger... and then it hit him.

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Dad: what did you learn at school today, son? Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.

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I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.

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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

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I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

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Why do women like men with moustaches? Because they immediately see something about you they can change.

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What starts with "E" and has only one letter in it? Envelope!

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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!

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Why couldn't the restaurant patron get into his car? He had Gnocchi.

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On the bright side selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

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If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

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Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation? At the Howliday Inn!

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Doctor doctor people keep telling me I'm ugly! Lay on the couch face down.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mother!

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So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...

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Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

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Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to say something.

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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

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