What do you want your husbands gravestone to say? Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."

A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

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Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.

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Why don't penguins ever get married? They always get cold feet!

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Who sell the products cheaper, a manufacturer or a distributor? The store guard!

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How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Define "light bulb".

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Guys my calendar is really sick... I think its days are numbered.

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I'm dating an x-ray technician... But I don't know what she sees in me.

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People tell me sharing is caring. Good thing I don't care.

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Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?

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Some people prefer to put the thermometer in their mouth, while others prefer it in their rectum. It's a matter of taste!

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Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning? Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

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Waitress: "Do u have any questions about the menu?" Me: "What kind of font is this?"

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If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.

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What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.

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Q2: What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles

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I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

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What did the Cannibal get for dinner after offending his wife? The cold shoulder.

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"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask?" She says, "He said, Please put down that damn gun..."

Wanna hear my joke about the beach? I'm shore you'll like it.

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What do you call a blood vessel with a carrot jammed into it? A carroted artery.

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I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid.

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What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow ? Reality.

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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

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What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? "Dam."

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If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.

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What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

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I wanted to turn my life around so I tried to stop memeing all the time... ...It made my life memeingless

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I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours.

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Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?" and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol

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If Twitter was invented by a woman, the character limit would be 10,000 characters.

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