How can you open a banana? With a monkey!

Why did the blonde stare at her orange juice for so long? Because it said, Concentrate.

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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

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Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

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What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I smell carrots too.

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What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day

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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."

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When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

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Why do businessmen carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas can't walk.

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What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

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Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

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If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now? A math problem

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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.

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Do you want to hear the funniest joke in the world? Me too.

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What is a Catholic choir boy's favorite song? "Can't Touch This"

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Have you guys seen the movie called "Constipation"? No? That's cuz it hasn't come out yet...

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If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.

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What animal runs around happily with 5 legs? A pit bull in a kindergarten

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Always Pay Attention! After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left. Then the Nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear: "Who was that?"

I lost 40 Pounds in 4 months! I didn't realize the British stock market was so volatile.

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Caught my vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!

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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

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What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunderware.

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Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.

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A robber walks into a bakery, and pulls out a gun. "Give me the dough!"

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Waitress: "Do u have any questions about the menu?" Me: "What kind of font is this?"

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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

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How can you open a banana? With a monkey!

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"How did you get into counterfeiting?" Criminal: I answered an ad that said "Make money at home."

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How do you think the unthinkable? Run your ship into an iceberg...

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What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

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