What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.

Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.

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You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they're probably a cab driver.

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If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple "Thank you" is all I need! Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business!

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What kind of car does a ghost drive? A boogati!

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There's one thing I've learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. I'm rather good at golf.

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What should you never do in front of an alcoholic? Whine.

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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

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If at first you don't succeed... then skydiving is NOT for you.

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What animal runs around happily with 5 legs? A pit bull in a kindergarten

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I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

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My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, "Do you think you'll be next?" We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

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What was Dr Frankenstein's second job? He was a body-builder.

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What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.

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Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8

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What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

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How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Define "light bulb".

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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.

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Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.

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What's invisible and smells like bananas? Monkey farts

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Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!

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I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

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Tall people don't need to be inspirational Everyone already looks up to them.

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"Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?" "The ATM machine"

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Set a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.

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I'm not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I'm just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid.

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How many letters are in the alphabet during the Christmas Season? Only 25...because there's Noel.

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What do you say when you find two banana peels together? Answer: A pair of slipper

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My phone got arrested today... It was charged with battery.

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What do dogs have that no other animal has? Puppy dogs!

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