What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.

If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive... They'd find me attractive.

Somebody asks: "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.

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Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."

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What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

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What do you call your mum who is shorter than you? A minimum.

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What do you call a nation of programmers? A developing country

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Max wondered why the ball was slowly growing larger... and then it hit him.

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What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer.

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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is life on Mars after all.

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Why can't the T-rex clap its hands? Because it's dead.

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How did I escape Iraq? Iran

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Guys my calendar is really sick... I think its days are numbered.

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How did the hipster burn his tongue ? cos he drank he coffee before it was cool...

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What bus crossed the Atlantic Ocean? Columbus

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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt!

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No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

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How is a judge like an English teacher? They both hand out long sentences.

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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx?

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Why are there no penguins in Britain? They're scared of Wales.

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Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

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Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?" and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol

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Why does a dog wag it's tail? A: No one else will do it for them

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Why couldn't the restaurant patron get into his car? He had Gnocchi.

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I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

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Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it..

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My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.

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Have you heard the joke about the corrupt government? [Content Removed]

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Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.

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What has 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog.

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I wanted to turn my life around so I tried to stop memeing all the time... ...It made my life memeingless

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